Panic Attacks and Music That Soothes Them
I’ve got Bipolar Disorder. Have had since I was 15 years old. I’m now 31. I have been hospitalized many times in the preceding 16 years, the first of which was on a student exchange to the USA. It was a manic episode that required my father to come from Australia to collect me.
I’ve battled manic depression, the more romantic name for the mental illness, for a long time now. But I haven’t been hospitalized since 2012, which was one of my longest stints in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve been on a medication called Zucloenthopixol, administered as an injection at my local general practise fortnightly. It has saved my life.
Something that has developed since my late teens to go along with the Bipolar are panic attacks. I’ve never truly been able to shake them. Even with attempts at medication and therapy. They have never gone away. They typically last an hour or so, sometimes longer, sometimes shorter. They are horrible to go through and I don’t know how to even talk to people when I am having one. It used to be crowds that set me off but now they happen out of nowhere. Usually at night. In fact I had one just before.
I’ll walk you through what I do to deal with these panic attacks. Usually if I am within reach of my bed I go to bed, turn on a Spotify or Apple Music playlist with a timer that goes for 50 minutes. Long enough in my eyes to get over the panic attack. My music of choice is best of Coldplay or The Killers because I find this movie soothes me and isn’t too heavy or confronting. It just plays in the background while I battle through the panic and worry that typify one of my panic attacks. Sometimes I will listen to the lyrics and make myself feel worse by reading too much into them. Other times I will just enjoy the melodies.
I am like a deer in the headlights when I am having a panic attack. I know I am having one when I am on my phone or tablet because I have no idea what to do on them. And my eyelids flitter when I close them. I don’t feel like I can even make a decision of what app or website to open. I am paralyzed in my decision making. And if I can’t make a decision on what to do on the introverted activity of perusing my phone what hope have I got out in the real world?
This short story doesn’t really have a happy ending because I still have constant panic attacks. I suppose I probably do have some form of panic disorder. But I am learning to live with it and savour the times when I’m panic attack free. There are intensities to the panic attacks. Sometimes they last hours. Sheer horror of the mind for me it is. Until I come down from them and feel immense relief that I can go about my day again. It’s great having my Bipolar under control and I’d prefer a panic attack to four months of hospitalization. That doesn’t make them an experience I want to have though. On the plus side when I’m not having panic attacks I am exceedingly happy with and positive regarding my life. I just hope one day I can find a fix or some sort of cure for what ails me.
Anthony Eales is a media, news & tech junkie. You can follow him on Twitter @ants000
